Saturday, 29 May 2010

15 months old

As you can tell from the title of this, my world is very much still centered on little G, as of course it will be forever now.

Life is chugging, no, speeding along. One minute she is stumbling a few steps solo, the next she is copying almost everything we say and trying to run and climbing onto chairs and sofas and our red trunk. Cripes. Every now and then she stops for a nap.

We definitely have a toddler now, and that is crazy. Where did the baby go? On a good day I feel ready to start the whole baby thing all over again, because who wouldn't say no to another bundle of deliciousness? But wait, there is the problem of the fertility issues (maybe), and the sickness (probably) and the lack of sleep (without a doubt) and the money (no question) not to mention the birth (ohmygod), but still... I'm scared not to stay open to it, in case in some years time I wish I had tried harder now. Adriano seems to feel the same. However I wouldn't bother watching this space, and besides, I feel sooooooo lucky and blessed to have little G that I'm hoping I always feel that she's enough, because she certainly fills up my heart on an hourly basis. I crave time alone but when I get it I think of her almost every second and miss her often.

During the years I was stuck in the awful limbo of infertility I used to cry at the TV / books / pregnant women in the street because I couldn't seem to conceive, now I cry at all the same things because I'm in an agony-ecstasy of love for my child and my empathy is so heightened it's ridiculous.

Adriano is working hard all the time, and would so love to spend more time with little G. It is so tricky to keep our relationship in healthy balance with all the plates we are spinning (and that with only one child). I think I feel it more than him because my days, while full, somehow have more room for thinking. And let's face it I'm a woman and I notice and mind more than most men. I feel sad about that. I sometimes feel panicky too.

One thing I am particularly grateful for is that I only go out to work 2 days a week. Adriano's support on this is such a relief for me. I feel so strongly that little G and I (or Adriano) should be together pretty much constantly at this time in her life. I feel like crying (again!) when I think of babies put into nursery 5 days a week. I don't judge, but I just couldn't do it. Thank god, thank god Adriano feels the same way.

At work I feel I take a regular ego-bashing as I am not the teacher I want to be. The behaviour of the kids can be a huge challenge and I feel utterly humiliated that I can't always get a firm grip on it. Sometimes I can but not in the way that I want to. It's not a complete disaster and I hope that I'm better than I think I am, and I do have some great moments, it's not all bad. But it certainly keeps me humble and can be quite horrible. I feel I should be better at it by now. I don't think I'm clever or on-the-ball enough or energetic enough for excellent lesson plans and extra groups and the enthusiasm that I so wish I had. I'm just getting through, all the time. It's a weird comfort zone to me now, and lucrative enough to make me stay for the moment at least. Ugh. Definitely better for me personally to stay in the world of work with one foot, as I know I would be so scared to go back if I left outright. Some days I daydream about training as a nanny. I wonder if that's madness or a good idea.

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* proud new mother * last child * youngest daughter * tallest sister * favourite auntie * honest lover * furtive photographer * diary writer * compulsive dancer * tree hugger * mooncup promoter * chocolate taster * house plant murderer *

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