Thursday, 25 October 2012

Panic attacks

Well we finally agreed another price with the vendor...I think. 

Only now Adriano has found a job in another county entirely which he would like to go for.  I am fully supportive of him wanting to a) work where we live (or live where he works); b) change jobs as he has been feeling the need for sometime now, and as he is THE breadwinner at the moment I think he should be free to do that.  

But.  I have been researching the New Area and I am getting panic attack after panic attack.  At first I was really up for it.  Amazingly so, given what a merry dance it has been this past couple of years.  However, although with this new job idea we would have more money, Adriano would also be working 5 days instead of 4 long days, with some travel included, in a job with more responsiblity, having to prove himself as you do at first.  The job is for 3 years and *may* be extended.  Then I looked seriously at the house prices.  Yes there are some we can afford.  But they are not that nice.  So I looked further into what the town is like to live in.  The results were not encouraging.  So I looked further afield to villages/small towns nearby (ish) which came recommended from forum discussions such as mumsnet.  Lovely, but totally out of our price range if we want to stop having every single penny accounted for.  And also pretty much in the middle of nowhere for me who is used to living in or near a city all my life so far...and I don't drive (that's a whole other post).  Literally every time I try a new tack it does not go well and I get a fresh round of full-on heart palpitations.  I am trying so hard to be a supportive wife, for many reasons,  most of them obvious.  But this is horrible.  Do I go with the flow?  Maybe he won't get the job.  But he seems to really want it, so I want that for him, I really do. 


I can't talk to him about this because over an hour ago I called him and he said he was in a meeting and would call me back in 15mins.  Being off part of the week with illness he probaby has an insane amount to catch up on and didn't feel great this morning anyway.  So I don't want to talk to him and be the moaning wife at the end of his hard day. 


I have been on my own all day with 2 small children and it is sometimes hard to keep things in perspective. 

My wrist still hurts but seems slightly improved so that's something.

C perked up a bit today thank goodness. 

Wednesday, 24 October 2012


Well we did attend my cousin's rather fabulous civil partnership on Saturday and all enjoyed that...until G started being sick...and continued for 12 hours...then C started being sick...and she is still not quite right.  Adriano and I have had a touch of it too but poor old C ended up in hospital by Sunday night.  Happily though, we all seem to be on the mend at last. 

This is us at the wedding on Saturday:  I swear C had two legs that day, but the picture says otherwise.  Love her scowl and G's cute smile.

Wednesday, 17 October 2012

It didn't go to plan.

The vendor withdrew his offer about 48 hours after agreeing it, because he wants (at least?) £5K more. 

I think I heard the sound of both of our hearts sinking.  We were so enjoying having finally reached the next stage. 

Really it is hard, especially on lack of sleep (I have slept through the night twice this year so far) and constant discomfort (tenosynovitis).

Am fed up. 

Telling myself that things could be so much worse, because of course they could, but still am a bit down I must admit.

Thursday, 11 October 2012

Rambling chicken-counting when I should be in bed asleep

We finally had an offer accepted on a house yesterday.  If all goes to plan we will be moving about 45 miles east, where we know no one but where we can actually afford a mortgage.  The price of the house was almost exactly a third of the one opposite our current home.  And that's why we're moving. 

Since having children I have made so many friends round here.  It's going to be really difficult to leave them behind, particularly a couple of them.  Ironically the hardest friend to leave will actually be my most recently forged friendship, a mum of one of G's preschool buddies from last year, someone who I know I could have been friends with without the common ground of children.  It's terrifying to leave all of those connections behind in one fell swoop: they are what gets me through each day.

I am also starting to feel massive relief though.  Adriano and I have been through so much heartache in order to find a place we can afford and compromises we feel we can make.  There have been many disagreements in our outlook, particularly in the last 6 months or so.  Thank god we both agree that for now we don't want to leave our still very young children in the care of others while we both go to work 5 days a week.  But that means finding a way of existing on one income.  Every day, no matter how hard it is, I feel gratitude that I am 'allowed' to be the Mum to my children.  Because I *am* their mum.  No-one else is.  I would like us to be able to share the care more, so that Adriano gets the time at home he wants, and I can do other money-earning stuff during that time.  Maybe we can work towards that; it's a tricky balance to find.  Being a full-time mum means that our roles often feel too polarised but I think that, very generally speaking, kids need their mum.  Now I'm rambling.  Too tired to edit.  Good night.

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* proud new mother * last child * youngest daughter * tallest sister * favourite auntie * honest lover * furtive photographer * diary writer * compulsive dancer * tree hugger * mooncup promoter * chocolate taster * house plant murderer *