Friday, 31 December 2010

Happy New Year?

Where to start?

Thank god for my husband and my mum, is something I am feeling very strongly right now. I am going through a horrible time physically, but it's for a good cause. A few days after I wrote that post where I wanted to become pregnant, we did actually manage it. At first I thought 'it won't hold', being the pessimist that I am, but here we are at 12 weeks and I am puking, and puking, and puking. It is just HORRIBLE. I hate the thought of all food but have to eat. Really it is misery. If it wasn't for Adriano and my mum I don't know what would be happening right now - G needs so much care and attention and I HATE that I'm not managing to give her much of it myself.

Last time the serious puking lasted until 16 weeks and then I found a bit of energy from somewhere and I finally stopped throwing up at about 24 weeks I think it was. Or maybe 28. This time it is not slowing down in the slightest yet, so I'm guessing it may do the same.

I feel guilty for feeling so negative about it, because I know many dear friends who are trying to get pregnant and who are probably cursing me for having managed it again. When I stop feeling so bloody awful I expect I will start to feel a bit more excited instead.

We had a scan a couple of days ago, and there is a baby in there which amazed me. I am absolutely sh1tting myself now about the Down's Syndrome test results. We had the triple test which factors in my age (37), the nuchal fold measurement from the back of the baby's neck (seen at the scan) which was 2.8mm - considerably higher than little G's measurement and not at all reassuring as the danger point seems to start officially from about 3mm, and finally the levels of certain hormones from the blood they took from me on the same day. I have a strong feeling we are going to get a 'high risk factor' result, and if that's the case I don't know how to handle it. It's keeping me awake for several hours a night and I can't stop thinking about it during the day. I know I would not choose a euphemistically named 'termination' (luckily Adriano thinks that too) but there are other things to consider such as whether or not to have an amnio. Maybe my customary 'glass half empty' approach will turn into a lovely surprise: a low risk result, but I really don't think so. I am very frightened.

In other news, G is 22 months now and she is so amazing (can you tell I'm her mother). My mum says she talks like a 3 year old (can you tell she's her grandmother). When they're 2 years old they're supposed to be putting 2 words together by then, e.g 'want milk', 'mummy go'.
An example outburst from G last week "Look at the Christmas tree Mummy, I put baubles on it, Daddy put it up high, fairy at top and star, it's so pretty!"..... Oh, she's such a delight I could go on all day about her.

Also, praise the lord she is sleeping better at the moment. She's had a run of sleeping for almost 11 hours straight every night, and it's been a long time coming so we are very happy about it. Long may it last. The last few days have been nap-free as it was getting harder to get her to sleep at those times. Having no break in the day is a bit of a nightmare for us but on the whole she is coping well. Doesn't seem to lengthen her night time sleep though.

I am too pathetic to do a list of stuff for 2010 like I usually do. Never mind. Happy New Year, all 3 of you. Hope it's a marvellous one.

Sunday, 28 November 2010

Realise I haven't written on here for over a month!
I am still alive.
Will try to post some more photos soon.

Saturday, 16 October 2010

I dare to ask

I don't know if it's my Catholic upbringing, but I do sometimes feel guilty if I want even just what a lot of others have, when there is so much 'not enough' in the world. That's terrible sentence construction but you know what I mean.

But if I am daring to ask, this is what I would like:

To become pregnant with another healthy baby, preferably without the 24-7 sickness.
To manage to give birth a bit more naturally the second time around. (I don't give myself a hard time about having a Caesarean birth last time, but it would be nice to improve upon the experience.)
To find a house as good as or better than the last one we viewed today, with enough rooms, plenty of natural light, lots of storage, a dishwasher, safe outside space, surrounding trees, neutral decor in decent condition, and good schools nearby (!). We must be able to afford the mortgage & other outgoings comfortably too.
To find a solution which enables easy cheap childcare with someone G (& sibling?) loves so I can still work up to 2 days per week. (At the moment my mum does it and it works really well but it cannot last for a few reasons.)
To snack on fruit/veg/oatcakes etc instead of chocolate/biscuits/cake, 95% of the time.
To tone up my stomach.
To sleep through the night whenever G does.
To make my own birthday cards again.
To write a song for G that makes her laugh.
To write and illustrate a story for G that makes her laugh.
To get through to Adriano how loved and appreciated he is by me, and by his friends and family.
To find storage solutions that can be sustained by all of us who live together in our little family! i.e. get rid of that sodding clutter.
To cook from scratch more until it becomes a more natural thing to do and I feel confident and happy to do it.
To respond to G's emerging 'independence' (strops) with calm and ingenuity and love and good grace, in a way that gives her what she needs and leaves me feeling like a good mum (and not a mug).
To become a more confident teacher at work; to be more imaginative in my planning and my handling of discipline; to have more fun through my work.
To learn basic gardening skills/sense so that I can grow a few bits and bobs for us to eat. Tomatoes would be a good start.
To get over my fear of killing/being killed in a car and finally learn to drive.
To practise yoga every day for at least 10 minutes.
To continue to make new friends and talk easily to strangers. I have got so much better at this since having G.

Sunday, 10 October 2010

Single mum does the right thing with grace

I am so frustrated because I want to leave a comment and can't do it - no comment box appears - but .... how amazing is this lady aka Some Mothers Do Ave Em.

Monday, 4 October 2010

Little G at 19 months and a bit

The sleep, and the getting to sleep, is still disturbed. There have been 3 nights of sleeping through the night now since we got back from holiday on Sept 5th, but one of those was only 8 hours long.

The sentences, or at least the putting words together, are coming thick and fast. "Mummy do it", "Let's find Daddy", "want monkey", "I don't like it", "show mummy now", and so on.

First proper haircut took place - cute as a button (before and after). Hairdresser looked at me like I was crazy when I asked for the back curls. I know G's hair will be straight forever now so I want that baby curl!

Last few days has started saying stuff like "Ribbit, ribbit, I am a frog", "Choo chooooo, I am a train".

Loves being gently tickled and when I stop she'll say "Again!"

Offers her food and drink to us and her toys, and occasionally to inanimate objects: "Mummy some......Daddy some.......Betty/Teddy/Monkey some......"

Can say her name better now, just struggling with the 'r'. Her version used to sound a bit like 'Genghis' so a vast improvement!

Adores songs, almost any. Sings by herself now, especially Wind the bobbin up and See the little bunnies sleeping.

Can sometimes wee on the toilet before bath - can you believe I'm writing this on the internet - but we are proud.


In other news we are increasingly frustrated at living in a rented place. Conversations range from "let's build an eco-home on a plot of land somewhere" to "let's commute from Hastings/Tonbridge/Tunbridge Wells/Oxford/Eastbourne/Berkhamsted" etc etc bloody etc.

I would like another baby but so far it's not happening. The pressure is off though, it's nothing like last time. I count myself lucky whether we have 1 child or 2. That's not to say I'm not broody, but I feel I have things more in perspective this time.

The weather is turning here and although mild, it's wet and the yellow and red leaves are blowing around our feet. G looks out of the window and says "It's wet.......spider, up there.......leaf down there.........", she has it nailed.

Saturday, 11 September 2010

This too shall pass

Quick update to say that we survived the holiday in Portugal, but ever since, G's sleep has been appalling. I am in bits and feeling really low about it right now. Too tired to write more details at the moment.

Had a sad week as a friend who's been longing to conceive for a while told me she'd just had a miscarriage at 8 weeks after seeing a heartbeat at a 6 week scan. My heart hurt when I heard this, not least because we had an anxious 6 week scan where we saw a heartbeat...but that grew into Little G. How lucky we are, but they are not and it is hard for them. I wish this raw time to pass quickly for them. On to the next bit of daring to hope again. Which is also hard in its way of course.

Then another friend lost her mum to cancer after only a few weeks of it returning with a vengeance. There are so many sad things to say about this that I don't even know where to start. My heart aches for this friend too.

Better end with some positive stuff, I think.

Little G enjoyed her first experiences of swimming pools while we were on holiday. I am relieved and happy about that.
She charmed the locals by saying hello, goodbye and thank you in Portuguese when prompted, and sometimes before.
She can count to 17 now, it's crazy. I swear we are not consciously teaching her.
I went back to work this week after the summer and it was just about OK.
I made a new friend this week at a baby group.
I realised after Adriano pointed it out that I really am a lot more comfortable about making smalltalk these days. That may not sound like much to smile about but I'll take it.
Adriano has called me this evening from his work thingy and was lovely and supportive about the sleep issues.

Wednesday, 25 August 2010

18 months

Eighteen months ago today I was exhausted but elated and full of wonder, looking at my new little daughter. Now she's a little girl, a toddler, really no longer a baby.

A few days ago she said her first sentence, "I like seagulls", and tonight in the bath she did a lot of drill impressions and then said "drill!" and beamed at me cheekily. It's a word she learnt this afternoon after pointing to a man with a drill on her jigsaw puzzle. When she heard Adriano open the front door she said clearly "Daddy's home" and gave a little squeal of excitement.

I tried to write down the words she said today. I got as far as : puzzle, balloon, fairy, off, cup, bowl, book, ball, 'Mummy read it', dinosaur, dolly, teddy, bird, cow, pig, elephant, dog, cat, 'I like stories', toys, children, ...and then I gave up as it's a never ending task now.

She can count to 12!

I'm so ridiculously proud of her every move. Can you tell?

The truth is, I'm quite sure if she wasn't doing all these things yet, I would love her every bit as much. I feel so connected to her. She gives the most gorgeous hugs these days, really wrapping herself around me, or cuddling my legs if I'm standing. Every morning when she wakes up (hideously early) I feel like I can't bear to be dragged from sleep, but within a few minutes she has usually won me over with her chatter.

I'm so lucky to have her, and this love in my life.

Wednesday, 18 August 2010

Why do I look so ghostly?

Adriano and I celebrated 2 years of marriage a few weeks ago. I think we're doing great! We stayed at my parents' house so we could leave G there while we went out in the evening - the first time we've done that since she was born.

August update

Feeling a bit low today. Isolated, bored, emotional, uninspired, inadequate, frustrated.
Somewhere in there I'm also happy and grateful too.

Little G is going to be 18 months old in a week's time. I am biased of course, but her vocabulary astounds me every day. She has started to put 2 or 3 words together, e.g. 'mummy's tea' or 'flags up there'. It's very exciting to see her develop at all, let alone so fast. Sometimes we go to the corner shop, walking together without the pushchair. She holds my hand and walks purposefully up the road with me, pointing at things she sees - 'red car', 'wi(n)dow', 'flower', 'bin', 'door', 'cat'. Occasionally she'll stop and examine something more closely. When we get to the shop, the owner always says hello very enthusiastically, and when prompted she replies 'he-yo', and waves and maybe smiles.

I take her to a rather rowdy local playgroup (I suppose they all are). She holds her own with the shouters and roarers and pushers, all of whom are older and taller than her. I am so proud. She struts off confidently to explore the table of plastic dinosaurs, the table of puzzles, the table of trains, the toy kitchen, the book corner. Every now and then she'll look round for me and maybe bring me something to look at - a plastic tomato, or a baby doll, or a picture book.

I'm in love.

Tuesday, 27 July 2010

Conversation with a 17-month old.

Among many many new words and expressions, Little G now says the following:

Let go! (Let's go! Usually when she has just picked up a bag - any bag)
Yeh peez (yes please)
Tha-kyew (thank you)
Foooooot (fruit, usually said urgently as she loves it)
Let see... (Let's see...)
Whoop! (Whoops! Said when she or we have dropped something.)
Look Daddy! (often said when she has successfully put an item of clothing on her head, a favourite game at the moment)
Night-night mummy
Ga Mau-ree (Grandma Maureen)
Lie Dow! (Lie Down! Shouted frequently to her new doll Betty. I've never shouted at her in my life so I've no idea where this comes from. Hilarious to witness. In fact she shouts most of the day lately, I presume and hope out of enthusiasm.)
Nee-al (navel - at first she pronounced it nee-naw, which I sort of miss)

I expect I'll think of loads more after I post this.

Tuesday, 13 July 2010

Just me

I listened to the slot about 'mummy bloggers' on BBC Radio 4 Woman's Hour this morning. It was interesting but afterwards I felt pissed off. I'm quite sure it's my own insecurities talking here, but I felt that amongst all the jolly chat about making money and the 'bad' blogs not being known because they weren't engaging, I thought there was a whole load of people left out: the ones like me.

That is, 'mummy bloggers' who aren't funny, aren't popular, aren't particularly engaging, but still regularly write about the details and highs and lows of ordinary days in an ordinary life. I was a blogger long before I was a mum, and my style was just the same. I would love to be funnier, more popular, wittier on here, but I can't change how I am because I'm just me.

I'm well aware that the radio slot was probably highly edited and I'm not blaming the contributors or the programme, just putting my hand up to be counted as one of the hundreds of other mummy bloggers who just do it.

I'm proud of my blog, with its real emotions, and its photos, and its 7 years of archives, and its tiny handful of readers. I suppose to me a blog post could be the equivalent of finding an old postcard in a second hand bookshop. You read it, and it says nothing enlightening, but still it has the power to touch you because it's real. For a moment you are connected to the person that wrote it, or the person who it was written for, because the postcard has fallen into your hands years later and you are a human being too. I know there's lots of faults with that analogy but I like it anyway.

just an ordinary moment in our day

Monday, 12 July 2010


Got LittleG to sleep without hand-holding tonight. That is a real achievement as it's the first time she's accepted it without a (major) fuss since last November. Crikey. I hope tomorrow night is as successful.

Sunday, 11 July 2010


At dinner time tonight, littleG was showing her talking skills to the full. Towards the end of meals we usually offer her extra bits to make sure she's had enough before the meal ends, so we'll say "Would you like some....pear? Would you like some...yoghurt?" etc. She has picked this up a bit and for about ten minutes her little voice came out with something like this:

"Li (Like some...pasta?) Li suh...water? Li suh...fow-er? (flower) Li suh...eye? Li (nose) Li suh...mao? (mouth)" and so on. Very sweet and funny to hear.

I am not being paid by these people

My lovely Aussie friend K brought with her some magical ointment when she visited last week. You've probably heard of it and I'm the last to know, but just in case, here it is:

It has cleared up a stubborn sore patch of baby-eczema under G's arm that had been there for months. I was able to cancel our doctor's appointment! I've just ordered 2 more tubes, and reading about it on t'internet, it seems it's good for all kinds of bits on the bod.

In other news, found myself feeling a bit teary about the whole lack-of-pregnancy thing today. Just a little. Having a possibly slightly shorter period than usual so began to clutch at straws rather and think that maybe I am still pregnant, etc etc, but am quite sure that's b0ll0cks really. Never mind. Life goes on and the second G is up from her nap she will demand every ounce of my attention once again so that will be helpful. At the moment much of my day is spent reading 'Little Miss Whoops'...

Yesterday Adriano and I discovered that houses seem bloody cheap in Rochester (Kent) and it's an hour's commute to his current job. Got very excited as I like it there - has cathedral, castle ruins, big river, lots of history especially Dickens-related. Just another one of our momentary 'Let's move to XXX' plans I expect, but still... fun to dream.

Thursday, 8 July 2010


We have had such a strange couple of days over here.

Tuesday, 5.50am, a digital pregnancy test turned positive, 2 days after my due-on-date, therefore at least 99% accurate result. Cue our heads spinning; butterflies in my tummy every time I thought of it; fear, joy, terror, wonder; looking at Little G as a big sister and not as an only child, etc etc etc.

Wednesday, 10pm, i.e. 40 hours later, my period arrived. So that was that.

Am a bit confused, but grateful that if it was going to end 'badly' it happened sooner rather later.

I realise how lucky I am: no matter what happens we have Little G. I know very well the pain of having only the disappointment to contend with. This time it was so different. I am lucky, no doubt about that.

Last weekend had visiting friend from Oz (hello K!) who I had not seen for 5 years - so good to catch up. I felt that my attention was so divided -so much I wanted to ask her but looking after Little G at the same time made straightforward communication a challenge. K was very patient with me interrupting tales of her last few years with such interjections as 'Yes, Gracie, a banana!' etc. If I hadn't done that we'd have heard G repeating her word for banana at 1 second intervals for hours.

Went to a concert: Ravel Piano Concerto for LH and Mahler 9. Enjoyed the Ravel hugely; the Mahler was great but about half an hour too long for my much-reduced attention span. I didn't get sucked in (in a good way) as I had for his 5th once at a BBC Prom.

Got to go, G has gone to sleep quite early tonight so must prepare for possible 5am start tomorrow. Am still suffering horribly with insomnia. Have decided to give up expecting sympathy for it from anyone whatsoever (except my mum, who can find sympathy for axe-murderers, probably). Will try very hard to stop moaning about it, but I HAVE NOT SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT FOR 2 YEARS. You get the picture. Perhaps.

Monday, 21 June 2010

Rabbit rabbit rabbit

Just a quick note to say that Little G's vocabulary is astounding me every day. Not all of the words are recognisable by any means but she'll attempt to copy almost everything I say. She understands so much and can make herself understood pretty easily most of the time. It's so exciting!
Picture taken at our local 'One o'clock club' (council-run under fives play centre)

Monday, 7 June 2010

Lots of brackets (parentheses, innit)

I am going to a conference on Friday and I'm dreading leaving G for an extra day, especially as it's 3 days in a row instead of 2. However I was looking up the details of the conference and it's on the place of music (yay) in the primary curriculum (yawn) from babies (yay) up to the end of Key Stage 1 (fair enough). I'm ridiculously pleased that it touches on my home life as well as my school life, and I got to thinking about that whole babies and music angle again.

I love (most) kids. I love music. At the moment my most favourite lesson I teach is at Reception class level (age 4-5 years). That's partly because the kids in question are very well trained by their class teacher, and I have them first thing in the morning, with another adult helping. It's also because they are so darn enthusiastic.

I would love to move into the field of music for really young children, but how the hell do I make any money from it? I could do the 'leading a group of mums and babies in songs' standing on my head but you can't make a living from that. There's stuff like Monkey Music franchises, but you need a car, (and a driving licence, ahem), and a few thousand of your English pounds, (or snoots as Adriano insists on calling them - have you ever heard the like?) up front. And you also have the problem of your clientele keeping on growing up and therefore away from your classes. You are reliant on them turning up and paying their bills. And as far as I can see you can't stop the pushy-pushy advertising even for a second or you're in trouble. I'd rather be paid by, say, the council, to do something like the Wider Opportunities project but for younger kids. Except that was paid hourly so therefore is no longer practical for me if I want any sort of income whatsoever after childcare expenses have been paid.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I really want to love my (paid) job.

Little G news: she now counts with you up to 3 if you start her off. "waah, tuh, ree!" I'm seriously impressed.

Saturday, 29 May 2010

15 months old

As you can tell from the title of this, my world is very much still centered on little G, as of course it will be forever now.

Life is chugging, no, speeding along. One minute she is stumbling a few steps solo, the next she is copying almost everything we say and trying to run and climbing onto chairs and sofas and our red trunk. Cripes. Every now and then she stops for a nap.

We definitely have a toddler now, and that is crazy. Where did the baby go? On a good day I feel ready to start the whole baby thing all over again, because who wouldn't say no to another bundle of deliciousness? But wait, there is the problem of the fertility issues (maybe), and the sickness (probably) and the lack of sleep (without a doubt) and the money (no question) not to mention the birth (ohmygod), but still... I'm scared not to stay open to it, in case in some years time I wish I had tried harder now. Adriano seems to feel the same. However I wouldn't bother watching this space, and besides, I feel sooooooo lucky and blessed to have little G that I'm hoping I always feel that she's enough, because she certainly fills up my heart on an hourly basis. I crave time alone but when I get it I think of her almost every second and miss her often.

During the years I was stuck in the awful limbo of infertility I used to cry at the TV / books / pregnant women in the street because I couldn't seem to conceive, now I cry at all the same things because I'm in an agony-ecstasy of love for my child and my empathy is so heightened it's ridiculous.

Adriano is working hard all the time, and would so love to spend more time with little G. It is so tricky to keep our relationship in healthy balance with all the plates we are spinning (and that with only one child). I think I feel it more than him because my days, while full, somehow have more room for thinking. And let's face it I'm a woman and I notice and mind more than most men. I feel sad about that. I sometimes feel panicky too.

One thing I am particularly grateful for is that I only go out to work 2 days a week. Adriano's support on this is such a relief for me. I feel so strongly that little G and I (or Adriano) should be together pretty much constantly at this time in her life. I feel like crying (again!) when I think of babies put into nursery 5 days a week. I don't judge, but I just couldn't do it. Thank god, thank god Adriano feels the same way.

At work I feel I take a regular ego-bashing as I am not the teacher I want to be. The behaviour of the kids can be a huge challenge and I feel utterly humiliated that I can't always get a firm grip on it. Sometimes I can but not in the way that I want to. It's not a complete disaster and I hope that I'm better than I think I am, and I do have some great moments, it's not all bad. But it certainly keeps me humble and can be quite horrible. I feel I should be better at it by now. I don't think I'm clever or on-the-ball enough or energetic enough for excellent lesson plans and extra groups and the enthusiasm that I so wish I had. I'm just getting through, all the time. It's a weird comfort zone to me now, and lucrative enough to make me stay for the moment at least. Ugh. Definitely better for me personally to stay in the world of work with one foot, as I know I would be so scared to go back if I left outright. Some days I daydream about training as a nanny. I wonder if that's madness or a good idea.

Sunday, 11 April 2010

13.5 months old

This wonderful spring weather, combined with being on holiday from school, is perking me up beautifully. That's in spite of a dreadful night recently which ended with taking G to the NHS drop-in centre first thing in the morning and her being diagnosed with a perforated ear drum. I felt very very guilty and upset that I didn't take her earlier, as she's had waxy ears for a few weeks. As she was behaving totally normally and didn't seem in any pain whatsoever, I just assumed it was a leftover symptom from the virus she'd had, and would clear up on its own. Horrible to think I could have prevented it getting worse but didn't. She's fine now and is on her first ever course of antibiotics. I'm glad she managed to avoid them for her first year at least.

G is now incredibly vocal and I've lost count of the words she regularly attempts to say. 'Mama' and 'Dada' are now as clear as a bell and (at long last) always used correctly. No more calling all the men in the post office 'Dada'. As well as the words mentioned in previous posts we now also hear: wer (flower, shower), tah (tap), ba (ball, banana, bounce), nah (snap - when pointing at a crocodile), etc etc and she will babble incoherently for minutes on end especially when looking at books alone. The babbling is sounding more like real talking even though it's not real words. A favourite noise at the moment is a stream of 'doidle oidle oidle' which cracks up Adriano and me and sounds a bit Irish to our ears. She also uses a lot of signs, usually of her own invention, e.g arm flapping means 'round and round' after pointing to the washing machine on spin cycle. She points and exclaims at all kinds of things, sometimes saying 'dat!' e.g. aeroplanes, lights, moving text on the train, other children. She is getting really sociable with other kids and sometimes even plays with them a bit. She looks at her books so intently then copies what the people in the pictures are doing. She can point to her head, nose, mouth, chest, tummy, and toes, when asked (if she feels like it).

When I pick her up for a cuddle she pats me on the back which is sooo endearing. My mum taught her that and it's stuck. Love it.

She's very strong and if she wants to wriggle off during nappy time you really have no choice but to go with it. Occasionally it works to distract her with something to play with but it had better be something very exciting that she has never seen before or you've had it.

Adriano is working very hard with various job applications and keeping amazingly motivated. I'm very proud of him, probably much more than he realises. He still manages to have energy for G when he gets home after work, and usually makes dinner for us both too. (Here I feel like listing all the things I do, but I will resist). I think we need a holiday but various things are stopping us for now, so we're trying to have days out instead. It definitely helps. On Friday the three of us went to a local 'urban farm' and created some lovely memories of G seeing her first 3D sheep/goats/alpacas etc. Now she knows they are not just pictures in a book :)

G now has her first pair of shoes although I only ever put them on her when she wants me to walk her around outside. She is not yet walking solo, though every day for about the last 6 weeks I've been thinking she's just about to do it. She looks so steady when she stands, and has started to climb a bit, to our alarm. I'm sure it'll happen soon enough. I'm excited for her; the freedom is going to be amazing, and great that it'll be in time for the summer. Hopefully the great British weather won't let us down and we can have lazy picnics while she toddles around nearby. Ha ha, who am I kidding, we'll have to watch her like a hawk and probably keep her on reins.

The struggle for enough sleep continues. She has taken 1 nap of just 30 minutes twice this week, and seems none the worse for it. Her night-times sometimes shrink to less than 9 hours, which is just not right for a growing baby. People whose babies nap for 2 hours and then sleep 12 hours at night do not know how lucky they are. My body still can't seem to relax properly at night and I haven't slept through the night myself since discovering I was pregnant. G sometimes goes right through, and also frequently wakes once or twice, often staying awake for up to an hour and occasionally more. It's a form of torture alright. Having said that, it's nothing like as bad as it used to be in the first 6 months. (And then there was another bad period of it for a couple of months around 11 months or so but that's another story).

Blah blah, I really must shut up and go to bed.

I do have other things in my head but as usual I can't be bothered to let them out. Gah.

Sunday, 28 March 2010

Really want to write a post here, but feeling dismayed that I've got nothing to say except more and more about Little G. I love writing about her, and have lots of warm and fuzzy things to put down here, but on the other hand am a bit sick of this blog now being nothing but a (totally fine but too samey for me) Mummy blog. I don't have many other thoughts in my head though. Sad? True. Motherhood is so dominating! I'm not the sort to cover a particular topic with all the well-thought-out pros and cons - I just can't be bothered. And while I have an extremely small but much-loved audience for this blog, mostly I'm friends with those people in other ways too. (*nga I miss you! Where are you these days?!)

Friday, 5 March 2010

Frank and Honest

I'm feeling a bit lonely today. Just a little bit.
Went to a new toddler group this morning, as G has grown out of her old one really.
The new one stank badly of B.O. and no one could sing in tune and there seemed to be pairs of people speaking different languages so unless you could speak Arabic/Hindi/Ukrainian you couldn't really join in. Luckily I bumped into a girl who's friends with a neighbour of mine, and she spoke with me a fair bit.
G was tired and ignored me a lot. Sometimes I feel like I'm just a provider, and Daddy is for fun. This is not helped by the fact that she says 'Dadada' all day (literally) and only rarely says 'Mama'. I worry that I am boring to her.

A lovely thing happened though. Within about ten minutes of arriving at the group, G was pretending to feed two slightly older boys with a plastic spoon that she'd found on the floor. They were totally in the game too, opening their mouths in turn for the imaginary food. Priceless.

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* proud new mother * last child * youngest daughter * tallest sister * favourite auntie * honest lover * furtive photographer * diary writer * compulsive dancer * tree hugger * mooncup promoter * chocolate taster * house plant murderer *

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