Friday, 28 December 2007

In 2007...

As my lovely friend reminded me, last year I did a round-up of the past 12 months, so in no particular order, here's another list.

In 2007 I continued to participate in couple counselling. I decided many contradicting things, ending up with another promise to give our relationship everything I could find within me before calling it a day. I'm glad I held out.

I had an HSG. I had a fair few blood tests. I received a tentative diagnosis of unexplained infertility. I shed many more tears of frustration, anger, sadness, and jealousy.

I overcame my apathy and left my main job. I took a huge leap of faith into a whole new job which is testing and challenging me in so many ways.

I viewed with wonder the support hypnotherapy gave to someone struggling with depression.

Our goldfish, Wanda and Robokiller, both died.

I had my haircut in a bob at three times last count. Actually it might be four. That's quite a record for me; sometimes I don't have my hair cut all year.

I had my nose pierced for the sixth or seventh time. I took it out for the sixth or seventh time. Yawn. I'm a walking cliche.

I still cycle to work; I still do (almost) daily Salutes to the Sun. I went swimming quite a few weeks in a row! The swimming habit was stopped by a string of colds and coughs etc but I'm getting back on it very soon.

I read the last Harry Potter book on the weekend it came out.

I have played the piano more than I have since university. I played in front of an audience and managed to keep my cool (this is major for me).

I stopped teaching samba (for stupid contractual reasons). I miss it. I hope to find more opportunities for it in 2008.

I bought myself flowers every Monday morning a few weeks in a row.

I also received several surprise bouquets of flowers.

I visited Prague and Brussels and Bournemouth and The Green Man Festival.

I went to 2 weddings. At one of them I met this man and his wife.

I went to a double christening.

My auntie made me a birthday cake.

I had 'Happy Birthday' sung to me by a roomful of people I had met just 5 minutes previously.

I played on a Wii.

I was given an iPod nano for Christmas!

I lost touch with a few friends, and got back in touch with others.

I said 'yes'.

I did almost no gardening at all, and it shows.

I managed not to kill any (more) houseplants though.

I wrote on this blog for another year.

I took many many photos. I was given a scary new camera. I would like to use it more in 2008; I'm still a bit afraid of it.

I bought some ruby red slippers.

I was given a ruby.

I succumbed to Faceb**k.

I cuddled my soon-to-be-nephew at just a few weeks old.

I vow for the rest of this year and for 2008 to do as much yoga as I can; to take responsibility for my own feelings as much as possible; to give myself the sleep and fun and food and friendship that I need; to get a cat; to dance more; to eat well; to create a beautiful and honest wedding with Adriano for a fabulous and brave celebration of our ever-growing relationship. And we'll try (again) to move to Brighton, or at least out of London. And while I'm at it I would also like to have children this year please. Thank you.

Sunday, 23 December 2007

Have a Cool Yule, Y'All.

Thank you so much to Adriano for making our home look so Christmassy and welcoming on my return from Hastings. The cupboards and the fridge and freezer are full, we have a lit and decorated tree, and there was even a soppy Christmas film on the box. (And the toilets are scrubbed! Is he one in a million or what!) Adriano has been overstretched lately by work and emotional family demands. I hope we can have a restful and fun Christmas time.

Meanwhile outside the freezing fog descends again.

While I was away this weekend, I went to a gong concert by this guy. I loved it! I think it could have been very giggle-inducing except that Rigulf's introduction and his demeanor set the tone for an hour's meditation.

I love percussion of almost any sort, and I especially love those large and deep singing bowls, so I was in heaven. That is, apart from when I had a coughing fit and had to stand outside for a few minutes. Then when I came back in the door creaked and I accidentally kicked the chair. Oh dear, I am so ungraceful and possibly disgraceful as well.

Christmas can be a hard time for those with fertility problems, and I am feeling it at the moment. I can't seem to tap into my hope. I get messages from friends announcing new pregnancies, and cards with pictures of growing children (one friend I went to school with now has 3). We had an invite to an infant nativity play, and a gathering where last time we went it hurt that we were the only childless couple. I don't want to go again, and STILL be in that role 2 years later. Sometimes I feel at my saddest when Adriano and I are watching funny Christmas films which, in some parallel universe, we might be enjoying with our kids. But instead we are still alone, overgrown kids on the sofa together, still not parents. Feeling our grief.

On a positive note, I am loving being engaged this Christmas. I have had my ring for a week now and I have loved having it admired by friends and family. It's beautiful, and it's a symbol of an amazing request; a leap of faith.

Also, one term down, two to go! The Christmas concert (on St Lucy's Day) went off OK. Adriano came and enjoyed the unintentional hilarity of it. I played many wrong notes on the piano but everyone pretended not to notice.

Anyway time to sign off for a wee while. Merry Christmas! xxx

Monday, 3 December 2007

8 things about me

I've been tagged!

1. I'm getting married on 8.8.08. You probably already know that but it seemed like a good time to mention it again, what with this list being 8 things long...

2. I want twins. I never want to go through the drama and upset of 'trying to conceive' ever again. Better have two in one go, even though that's not ideal for many reasons. I spoke to the hospital this morning, and they still haven't got their IUI licence sorted. They also said I may need more tests and specialist appointments, as I haven't ovulated for the last 2 months (according to this thing). Need I say I'm feeling frustrated and sad and sick of it all? I can't express how horrible and confused I feel when I think of three of my friends who are all due in the next few weeks. That's not how I want to feel about them at all.

3. My wonderful auntie made me a delicious moist birthday cake. Mmmm, I think I'm going to have another piece as soon as I finish this post. I love cake, and birthdays.

4. I love the smell of ironing.

5. My hair drives me crazy. I'm seriously considering dyeing it pink. I have just got the hang of straighteners but I'd much rather have wild curly hair. Mine's neither straight nor curly nor wavy. It goes in on one side and out on the other. Pffft.

6. I'm currently considering what to do about taking on Adriano's surname when we are married. I love my Irish surname, and my mum likes it better than her maiden name so she was happy to use it and says it now feels like hers. At the very least I will keep it as a middle name. I like Adriano's surname too, so it's not like I have to consider taking on 'Shufflebottom' or some such (apologies to the Shufflebottoms of this world). And I think it would be interesting to have a name change; I'm curious about how it would feel. When I was a kid I tried to change my first name all the time! There were so many other kids with my first name; it used to annoy me. I wanted an unusual name. Anyway I would like Adriano to acknowledge that changing my surname is a major deal in terms of my identity. Then we can talk ;o)

7. I have a fast metabolism. As a result I get away with eating pretty much whatever I like. I'm also hungry about every 2 hours and it's a pain. An expensive pain.

8. I love the series Cold Feet and for my birthday Adriano bought me the entire series on dvd. Woohoo! I'm just off to watch an episode now... (Lesson planning be damned.)

Un-gutted / Dis-gutted

Oh hang on! I just remembered that last night we agreed we would spend New Year in London this year. The plan involves a possible scooter journey, and a flask of hot chocolate, and (I hope very much) watching fireworks on a bridge somewhere near the South Bank. Along with about 250,000 others, probably.


The New Year holiday to Iceland I have had my eye on, the almost-affordable week-long trip to the Blue Lagoon and maybe a glimpse of the Northern Lights....has now gone up by a couple of hundred quid and is out of the price range completely. We've left it too late.

I'm so disappointed.

Thursday, 22 November 2007

me elf, etc

I have been ill with (another) cough and cold and (new!) chest infection for the past week.

I am so sick of feeling under the weather. I feel guilty for not being at work, even though the doctor has signed me off this time. I have antibiotics so I am improving at last. It's been 'orrible.

Adriano has a new motorbike. It is way more comfortable to ride and goes faster than his last one. He's going to take me for a spin on Saturday when my current house arrest is lifted. I'm looking forward to the trip.

My sister is staying over at the moment. She's going through a messy and tortured relationship split, which she is supposed to be instigating anytime now. Not easy.

Speaking of torture, today I diligently practised all the Christmas songs that I'll be playing in my school's concert in a few weeks. Never in my life have I had to play Rudolph the RNR. The indignity of it. I'm more of a 'Truth From Above' girl myself.

Photo: the old bike, god rest its soul.

Thursday, 15 November 2007


My throbbing-head-cough has returned. I don't understand it. I was 'all better' yesterday.

Friday, 9 November 2007

Friday Foughts

I have just had the entire week off work, sick. I was going to go in today, but when I contacted my colleague last night, she said not to bother!! They had already booked a supply teacher, and said I needed to be properly better. I couldn't believe it but I liked it very much. I almost thought 'what's the matter, don't you want me there?'! Ha ha ha, like I missed the place. Ha.
The only problem is that when you dread your job and you are away from it for a while, it's even harder to go back.

So anyway, apart from a very short trip to the pharmacy yesterday to get cough mixture, I hadn't been out of the house since Monday. I went for a wonderful walk in the Autumn sunshine, and felt very grateful not to be at work, and so glad at the sunshine and the lovely park and the river and the fresh air. See photos below.

I have finally made up my mind (I think!) what kind of engagement ring I would like. I'm well aware that there's no need to have one at all, but I must admit I would like one. I've scoured the internet but have not found my chosen design anywhere, and really it's not that outrageous. Tomorrow Adriano and I are going to visit a shop we both like to see if it can be made for us. Part of me thinks it's 'wrong', as I feel guilty for wanting something which costs so much more than I would ever normally feel comfortable with. But then there's another part of me thinking that this is a symbol of such a beautiful thing. People who say 'I'd wear a coke can ring pull if he gave it to me' obviously haven't tried wearing it for long! Actually I guess it's the wedding ring that symbolises the hugest commitment of all, and our engagement isn't for many months, but nonetheless I'll be wearing the engagement ring an awful lot too so I have to really like it.

See that whole paragraph is just the kind of crap that I didn't want to come out with! I don't want to be 'obsessed engaged lady'! But for a while I am, so there. I've been longing to feel this. I'm enjoying it like it's a guilty pleasure.

And it sure is good for distracting me from my usual circular thoughts about infertility.

Wednesday, 7 November 2007

Cough. Splutter. Choke. Groan.

The fluey aches didn't last long, thank goodness, but this cough is horrible. Every now and then I feel bad for still being off work, but then I have another fit of panicky, hot-and-cold, retching coughing, and I suddenly don't feel so guilty after all. Lovely!

Just now I made myself a delicious dinner of quorn and mushroom pie with steamed broccoli and carrots. Then I threw it into my lap. I'm not sure how I did it, but it was HOT. And now there's carrot in the carpet.

Recently I've really been enjoying the new series of Brat Camp - Mums and Daughters. It's like a tonic to aggrieved teachers or parents; it's wonderful. I even shed a tear over it this morning.

Being engaged was surprisingly fraught for Adriano and me at first, but now I am starting to enjoy it, and I hope he is too.

We've worked out our guest list already, as we're only inviting 16 people (not including ourselves) to the actual ceremony. There'll be no best men or bridesmaids, so that takes even more of the organisation and stress out of the picture. We know where we want to take our families for (a vegetarian) lunch (and it's walking distance from where we're getting married), and then we plan to go straight to the pub to meet any other relatives and friends who can make it there to wish us well. I feel better about leaving friends out of the ceremony now that we hope to see them later on the same day, rather than our original plan of a post-honeymoon party. Besides, we can also opt to have our ceremony put online for them all to see - an idea that I rather like.

As for the honeymoon, it's looking like we'll take another trip to the USA for a few weeks (or as long as we can get away with), this time to include some places on the West Coast.

The crazy thing is that we're still hoping to move out of London around the same time as our wedding, and last night we had a discussion as to where. We have been saying Brighton for ages, but now we're having to face hard facts: too many people want to live there and neither of us have been able to find employment there so far. The cool thing about that predicament is that we're now opening up our search to include pretty much everywhere in the world! Boston, Sydney and Edinburgh have all been mentioned, as has Canterbury... I thought it best to warn my mum that we just might not be moving to the same county as her after all.

So it could all get a little mad around the time of the wedding. All the more reason to have a simple fuss-free plan for the day itself.

We've been talking about our possible wedding plans for some months now, so it only took Adriano's proposal for us to go ahead with some of what we'd already talked about. I recommend doing it all a bit backwards like that, as we're not now having to have laboured conversations about guest lists and all that crap. When I hear how it is for some couples, I feel more and more happy with our choices. It's a jungle out there, and it's totally f-cked up!!!
For example, whatever I end up wearing, I take delight in planning to spend only about a fifth of what my sister's wedding dress cost (and that was in 1989!). And we're considering having wooden wedding rings, so there.

And the best thing about it all is that I really like my future husband (giggle giggle). He's my best friend. Somehow that makes all this stuff really moving. We've earned this time of happiness; we've worked so hard at being present in our relationship, and facing our fears. Of course that's a lifetime's work, but we're on the track already, and I'm proud of that.

Bridezilla's not here yet, that's for sure.

But I do want flowers in my hair...

Monday, 5 November 2007

I have flu. It is not fun. I will be missing work tomorrow.

Adriano and I are getting married on 08.08.08. Cool, eh?

Sunday, 4 November 2007

Yesterday I went to Canterbury for the day.

I've been rather silent lately, given the recent delightful drama in my life.
But it's not just blogging that has suffered. I've barely taken any photos in the last few months (and when I have they've been crappy), and I've hardly seen any friends.
This ruddy job is sucking me dry.
The mornings are hard work but mostly do-able now.
The afternoons are still s-h-i-t.
I'm permanently tired. I didn't ovulate this month. I'm getting more spots than usual. I'm not eating enough vegetables and I'm eating too much chocolate.
BUT. I love fireworks! And this site! And I'm engaged to Adriano!

Life is full of surprises.

Thursday, 1 November 2007

Not a single trick or treater came to our house.

We'll just have to eat all the sweets ourselves. What a shame.

Birthday catch-up

It was Adriano's birthday on Sunday, and also my oldest niece turns 15 today. HB, A and F!


One week ago today, Adriano asked me to marry him.
I said yes.

Sunday, 21 October 2007


On our way to Brighton we saw a shooting star.
We're home already and I miss the sea.

About Me

My photo
* proud new mother * last child * youngest daughter * tallest sister * favourite auntie * honest lover * furtive photographer * diary writer * compulsive dancer * tree hugger * mooncup promoter * chocolate taster * house plant murderer *

Blog Archive