Thursday, 29 May 2008

Half Term holiday

In spite of the endless rain, I am having a great week. I can't believe it's Thursday already. A week off work = a good thing.

On Monday I mostly did wedding stuff. Then I went to my friend A's house for a delicious meal of spinach and ricotta cannelloni, and nattered to a background of the film Hairspray.

On Tuesday my nephew turned 18 (Crikey! I used to change his nappies.) I met up with S for lunch at the World Food Cafe in Neal's Yard, and tea in the National Portrait Gallery. Then I walked from Charing Cross to Moorgate, stopping at St Paul's Cathedral for a spot of choral evensong, then met L for a meal and an evening at the Barbican to hear the Roberto Fonseca Trio. It was excellent.

On Wednesday I foolishly bought Tetris for my iPod (I am addicted again), then I took the train to Brighton. I met a couple of florists, and talked about bridal bouquets and suchlike. I bought some ribbon at that wonderful emporium C&H Fabrics. I had a coffee with a pear and chocolate tart at Scoop and Crumb. I visited our post-wedding lunch venue and picked up a menu. I caught a bus to my Auntie G's house and had a cuppa in her lovely little house. I caught the train home, then went to the local pub with Adriano for a glass of rose wine and some spicy Nik Naks.

Today I did lots of washing and washing up and folding and putting away and tidying. Then Adriano and I went for a consultation at the hospital. I was expecting them to just let us go on with another 2 IUIs, but first they want me to have a lap-and-dye. I'm not sure how the dye bit is any different from the HSG which I've already had, but the doc seemed to think it was. If they find any endometriosis which they can treat there and then, they will. The idea is to fit the op in before we get married. Adriano also needs to try to fit in a shoulder op before then too. When will life be simple? (Don't answer that.) I've never had a general anaesthetic before.

Tomorrow I'm meeting with the friends-with-babies.

Saturday we have some friends coming over so we'd better clean the house. We have moths and cobwebs: The Addams Family would be very comfortable here.

Wednesday, 21 May 2008


Plain chocolate coated ginger.

The scent of our yellow roses in the back garden.

Long, light evenings.

A dark brown silky bridesmaid's dress to wear this Saturday at a lovely friend's wedding.

Half term holiday next week.

A longish, vibrant email from my wonderful brother.

Positive, inspiring, action-taking people like this lady.

Half an hour spent on the field with Year 6, where I could see tall trees, cow parsley, and a bird I've never seen before with red and yellow markings.

Cheesey TV show
which moved me greatly when I watched it last night.

Honeymoon in two-and-a-half-months - in Ireland. Please tell me any places we should visit! Nothing is booked yet. I vote we hire a campervan...

A very happy Adriano phoning me twice in half an hour, because he's so pleased with himself for passing an Apple course test with 100%! I'm very proud of him, he worked hard for that result. He's only the 2nd person who's taken that course to gain full marks.

Morning bike rides to work.

The arrow of time. Scroll down to see the pics (better than watching the video link). It nearly made me cry for some reason.


Sunday, 18 May 2008

Sunny Sunday morning bits and bobs

I'm feeling quite a bit better since I wrote that post yesterday. I still feel vulnerable and stomach-churny when I see pregnant women but that has been my normal state for the last decade so at least I'm used to it!

I recently bought Adriano a t-shirt with a rather significant number on it. Judging by his mega-watt smile, I think he liked it.

The other day I read that Ben Folds is on his fourth wife. I felt shocked! He's only 41.

Adriano has been working hard on job applications, some of them in Brighton. We are still focused on moving there this summer, with staying here as a reluctant Plan B.

I'm now off to the river to meet a dear friend who has just got herself a new job. It's great to have something to celebrate. I intend to enjoy myself.

Saturday, 17 May 2008

Self-obsessed rant. Wallow, wallow, wallow.

I'm feeling nervous about an occasion I will have soon with two dear friends that I don't see very often. It's a lunch to celebrate both of their birthdays and they will both have their baby boys with them. One baby I have met before and the other one I haven't. I have known both friends since I was 11. The mother of the baby I haven't met before has been living in the USA for the past year so I missed seeing her pregnancy progress which, frankly, was a blessing for me. That may sound like I'm a horrible jealous person. The truth is: I am jealous. This will be the first time I see her since she left for the US having just announced her pregnancy. She told me she couldn't believe how quick it was for her to get pregnant.

This type of thing is so hard. I adore babies, and I love these friends, but I'm frightened that I'm going to sit there thinking 'I don't see MY baby. They have theirs. Where is mine?' and I'm scared that my feelings will show on my face. I'm worried my friends will misinterpret my feelings for lack of joy about their children. I know that they would/will do their best to understand but, through no fault of their own, they couldn't understand. I know I could tell them how I feel but I don't want to. I don't want to be special, different, or pitied...and yet I do sometimes want more acknowledgement for what I'm going through (yes, me me me). The conversation will inevitably turn to the babies and who did what first, and labour, and breastfeeding, and nappies and so on, and why shouldn't it? I desperately don't want my friends to have to behave differently just because I am there too. And yet while they talk about those things I will be staying silent. While they see to the needs of their babies I will sit still and, I fear, notice more than usual that the only children I have are stupidly perfect fantasies, locked in my head.

I know it's important for me to keep positive, and I HATE sounding so self-obsessed when there is so much other suffering about. While I write this self-pitying post I am judging myself for it. I don't like this bitter part of myself. But I can only start from where I am. Often I find that if I give my bubbling rants some airtime, they die down again and leave me alone in peace for a while. I hope it works this time.

So we've had 2 rounds of superovulation/IUI now. That's nothing in the scheme of things - you should read some women's 'biographies' on the various infertility message boards.
We'll probably be offered 2 more, for which I am grateful - we'll find out for sure in a couple of weeks. I am planning to have acupuncture alongside the next treatment(s).

Angel Me: Ommmmmmmmm. I am a healthy fertile woman who gets pregnant easily.
Devil Me: Don't be ridiculous, it's NEVER going to happen for you. You're tying Adriano down to a life of infertility too! How selfish. You've been trying for 3 years for pete's sake!
Angel Me: SHUT UP SHUT UP. I am now becoming healthier and healthier. My women's bits - I mean my reproductive plumbing - is ready to receive a new life.
Devil Me: Ha ha! I've never heard anything so stupid and hippy-dippy in my life. Why on earth would that work? Binge-drinking 14 year olds get pregnant, but not you. Women in their late forties get pregnant, but NOT YOU. Face it, you'll always be the barren woman of any group.
Angel Me: *sob* I just want to be a mum! I've thought about my children since I was one myself!
Devil Me: So what? Some people just can't have children, and you're one of them.


Saturday, 10 May 2008

Today we went back to the jeweller who made my engagement ring and we ordered our wedding rings. It felt so romantic. This time it was I who had the simple band, and Adriano who was doing the choosing from many options. I love the sound of his ring and can't wait to see it.

Thursday, 1 May 2008

Back on the rollercoaster

A sudden hailstorm has just started. And now stopped already. I'm sitting, well sort of lying, on the bed writing this, with the laptop propped up by a CushTop (they're great).

I had IUI #2 this afternoon, following another round of 100mg Clomid last week. It went smoothly, and I'm now on the '2 week wait' again. Just after the actual procedure, I lay there and tried to think fertile thoughts. I breathed deeply and relaxed and closed my eyes, imagining the swimmers doing their thing. Then in my mind I fast-forwarded to about eight months' time and pictured myself looking radiant and big and feeling brave and happy about the baby's birth. I thought of Adriano and I talking about names, and joking and laughing about the possibilities.
After about half an hour I got up and left the hospital.

On the way home I passed the local Catholic church. I'm a lapsed Catholic and you could say I'm agnostic. Or a pagan. Or a humanist. Whatever, I don't believe in a LOT of what the Catholic church teaches and frankly I find it irritating most of the time.
The door to the church was open and I went in. The smell of stale incense was so familiar and... comforting. I found myself lighting a candle and kneeling down and, almost before I knew it, tears were rolling down my face. I let myself admit how desperate I feel to have a child with Adriano. I want to be a mum. I want to grow a baby and feel it moving inside me and give birth and feed my baby. I want to look at my child and speculate whether (s)he looks most like Adriano or me, or maybe one of our family members.

After that I went to vote next door at the polling station.

Back to school tomorrow.

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* proud new mother * last child * youngest daughter * tallest sister * favourite auntie * honest lover * furtive photographer * diary writer * compulsive dancer * tree hugger * mooncup promoter * chocolate taster * house plant murderer *

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