Another self obsessed stream of consciousness

I really want to get back to the days where I wrote more, and more often, on this blog.  Partly to document our lives a bit, and help me remember these days, and also because I think that when I write (or maybe after I write) I feel good.  And I could do with some release.  Sometimes when I read other blogs I have a flicker of a feeling of actually having something important to say...but then my fatigue gets in the way and I revert back to my mind's vague inarticulate ramblings.  Very frustrating.

Another release I need is to get back to singing and playing the piano.  I used to do both so much, and it seems that the more I sing, the stronger I feel mentally.

I am so so grateful to be a full time mum right now, but hanging out as a lone adult with 2 small children takes a certain mental strength.

My evenings are spent staring at the TV/laptop in my pajamas, and I've been doing that for nearly 5 years now.  I would like a bit of my life back please.  Not at the expense of what I give the girls, but I do need some sort of fuel now, to carry on giving at this pace.

Sometimes, I suppose because life is so hectic during the day, once I am sitting down for the evening, into the chasm suddenly floods a huge feeling of my own inadequacy, and a strong feeling of impending doom.  Maybe this is just because I am lucky enough to be a mum to 2 lovely children, something I have wanted since I was 16.  So anything else would just be crapper than that.

Going to bed now.  Ever hopeful of a full nights' sleep, something else I've not had much of in the last 5 years.