Tuesday, 9 October 2007

A public yet private moan. Please avert your eyes.

It's not been an easy day today.
I feel stressed.
I am fed up with feeling stressed.
On Friday I wondered if it might be levelling out and at least not getting any worse (I'm talking about my job) but today it went downhill even before 9am. They were just crazy. And the weather didn't help - 2 wet playtimes in a day meant they stayed in their same old classroom almost the whole day. Not good.

I am not enjoying this job.

I know it's only 5 weeks in, but I would like to have at least one day (or even one lesson) where I felt some job satisfaction and joy instead of just struggle.

Then there's the fact that I'm the unofficial music co-ordinator and can't be it officially because it will break the contract of my last job. But I'm still expected to do all the duties as if it were official. (They don't pay extra for these responsibilities, unlike every other school I've ever known, so I suppose at least I'm not missing out there. )

Then there's the performance management. I feel that my only target (god I hate that word - bad connotations) should be 'survive'. I wonder if they'd go for that.

I'm such a weed I'm actually too frightened to hand in my notice because they're all so flipping capable and take on so much more than I do. And also because they are nice people who are bending over backwards to help me but I don't want to do this for a whole year. And also because if I don't do this I will have to find another job and I don't want to do that either.

Also we have had some work done in our (still crappy) kitchen, and the guy who did it left the place in an absolute tip. He's coming again tomorrow to finish off and clean up but tonight it's horrible and I hate it.

Also we went to the hospital today and I 'probably' ovulated last month according to my blood tests, but still our next option is superovulation (ie Clomid) and IUI. We get 4 goes at that if we want to (once the hospital gains a licence for IUIs - another few months to wait) and if that doesn't work it's IVF or adoption or nothing.

Good things:
  • a little girl drew me a picture today
  • two MSAs said something nice to me today
  • somehow I got through the day
  • Adriano and I danced to 'Perfect Day' just now in the living room
  • we had take-away pizza for dinner and it was hot and tasty
  • I didn't feel annoyed with the specialist (like I did last time)
  • I now have dry socks on, which feels like bliss after getting soaked feet during a rainy cycle ride
  • the TV is off
  • I thought I had deleted this post but no, here it is, in all its moany glory!


Anonymous said...

Time to move to Australia! Well at least it doesn't rain here - hasn't for six years! Downside: depressing home-grown TV dramas about droughts. but as you say, you can always turn the TV off! And stare at the government-watered lawns K x

Cheerful One said...

If I could think of a feasable alternative, I'd resign. Much as I sometimes love my job it's bloody exhausting and the thought of doing something less intense is very very attractive.

(I'm not having a very good week, and I've been at it for 15 years. Feeling a bit cynical today. Sorry )

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