Thursday, 23 January 2014

Longest hiatus yet?

Well it's been so long since I last posted that I'm a little bit sad/worried/shocked/horrified (I'm very dramatic).

I turned 40.  On the actual day we went to the local Xmas market (rather tacky for my taste as it turned out but nice to hang out with my family), then in the evening Adriano looked after the girls while I went out with 7 other women I have met since moving here last Feb.  It felt a bit weird that I knew none of them this time last year, but on the other hand I felt proud of myself for making such great connections with women I genuinely like and am interested in, in a short space of time.  They are great, and all have contributed hugely to me coping with all the change this past year, by their support and friendship.

I continued to home educate G.  I should say 'we' perhaps, not 'I', as Adriano is with her 3 days a week too.  She's doing well, I think.  Her reading is incredible now.  Reading age of about 7, I think.  Today she read a sign in our local museum and correctly said the word 'closure'.  She has asked about going to school a few times, and I have the application form, but when asked again she says something along the lines of 'not yet'.  We can go with that for now.

After loads of soul-searching I decided to turn down an almost-free trip to Chicago to see an old school friend.  Feeling a bit sad about it but hoping I made the right decision.

I have been doing a few minutes of yoga most evenings.  I really feel odd if I don't do it, in spite of each session being so short.

I have been hula hooping too!  I discovered that with a weighted hoop I can bloody do it!  And it's brilliant.

Next month G turns 5, and the week after that we will have lived in our house for a year.

I have booked my driving test. I wonder how many I will need to do before I pass?  One friend says she took 6 times and in the end what helped was eating a banana about an hour before, haha.

I'm reading this book and it has inspired me to get back on here tonight, at the very least.  It's about finding a way to be creative combined with motherhood.  Or something like that.  It's reminding me just how damn creative I USED to be.  Singing, dancing, drumming, composing, painting, card-making, blogging, photography, poetry writing, perhaps more things I have temporarily forgotten.  I feel that my time of complete and utter self sacrifice as a mother needs to come to an end very soon, as I begin to show the girls that within me there is immense passion for all kinds of creativity, hopefully not/not necessarily to the detriment of my being there for them.  I need to show them more of my whole self now. And I just know it can't harm my relationship with Adriano, if anything surely it should enhance it.

However, for me this is all muddled up with an emerging problem.  I struggle to feel valued by Adriano, for my current role as a stay at home mum.  When pressed, he is sure that he really does value me and my role.  After all we both agreed to it.  So it could be as simple as lack of communication.  Could it be lack of listening on my part?  I find myself DESPERATE for his approval.  Not to be melodramatic (ha) but the image which springs to mind is someone dehydrated, on hands and knees in the desert, feeling a drop of water near their mouth.  Gawd.  So my next thought is that *I* need to value my role, and am I doing that?  Because I understand that I have to take responsibility for that.  Marriage isn't about getting all your self worth from someone else....maybe it's partly about them reflecting your self worth back to you though??  *Do* I value the role that I'm doing?  Am I so influenced by the fact that I am not bringing any money in that I can't see the value either?  Interestingly enough, the two people in my life who reflect back to me that I am doing a great job as a mum, are my dad and my brother.  Not sure what to make of that, if anything.

And of course this is combined with the fact that, being now 40, although I am sure in years to come I will look at my 40-year-old physical self and long for it, at the moment I can just see ageing and gravity taking their toll. With a large dose of 'how my 2nd baby f*cked up my body' too.  I am doing my best to accept it and even like it, especially I have two daughters watching my every move.  But I suppose it is another factor in my struggle lately.

And while I'm spilling all the beans here I might as well mention my bordering-on-OCD morbid thoughts.  I just suppress, suppress, suppress, but they're are so often there.  Almost constantly, really.

Apart from that, I'm fine!!

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* proud new mother * last child * youngest daughter * tallest sister * favourite auntie * honest lover * furtive photographer * diary writer * compulsive dancer * tree hugger * mooncup promoter * chocolate taster * house plant murderer *