Hastings Old Town Carnival Week

photo taken from a train window, somewhere in Kent

On Tuesday it was my brother's birthday. When I phoned up from my somewhat hermetic office to wish him a good day, I discovered that he and all of the rest of my family were in a tea shop by the sea, eating cake. Oh the injustice!

At the end of that day, I heard the sobering and just plain awful news that my sister's best friend's little boy had died that afternoon, after a battle with cancer. I knew he had a tumour and was fighting, but I didn't realise that it had got to this stage. I feel so sad for his mum and dad and his little sister. Seeing your young child struggle with illness and die must be one of the worst experiences life has to offer.

Yesterday I heard that the mother of another of my friends died suddenly in the night. My friend is distraught as she had been happily planning her wedding and now her mum is not going to be there.

Yesterday I also read that a blogging friend has lost her dear auntie now too. This really struck a chord with me as I'm super-close to one of my aunties and I sometimes think about how it would be if she was no longer in my life. I feel it could be nothing but devastating.

Please hold them all in your thoughts.

In other news, today I had an HSG. The confusing although excellent news is that my tubes are not blocked. So presumably that means that if I do have endometriosis, it hasn't botched my tubes. They are going to check the x-ray pics for other abnormalities and discuss it with me in a follow-up appointment in a few weeks. I had read that if there are blockages, it tends to be an extremely painful procedure, but luckily I seemed to escape that. It was uncomfortable and a bit crampy but over quite quickly. I took all the antibiotics they gave me (which made me feel horribly nauseous for a while) plus as many painkillers as I dared, and so far so good; no ill effects. I am really quite surprised the tubes are clear, but pleased! I don't get it. Not sure where we go from here but I guess I'll find out in a few weeks. I was so glad that Adriano could reschedule his work day to be there: to make me breakfast when I felt too pukey, to give me moral support, and to give me a gigantic hug when I got out of the treatment room.

Navel-gazing

I am in a strange no-man's land in so many ways.
I have 6 working days left of my current job. I feel ready to go but also quite emotional and nervous about actually leaving.
I have felt really quite low today. Also yesterday I was pretty teary after digesting the fact that yet again I'm not pregnant. I ache with it. This time at least there's some movement on that front though, as I finally have an HSG appointment for a week's time. I really hope I get some helpful information from that, and I hope goes smoothly, and preferably without pain.
There's a bit of relationship backstory relating to this month's lack of pregnancy, so I'm contemplating that too, and wondering whether I'm dwelling on it too much or not enough (sorry to be cryptic but it's unbloggable).
Also I've been having some really disturbing dreams lately. Like being strangled by my boyfriend. Luckily I know he would never hurt me so I'm sure it's not prophetic! But it was seriously horrible and I woke up sobbing.

Things I am thankful for:
Friendliness and sense of humour of my colleagues.
Beautiful pictures of nature sent to me yesterday.
Lunch with girlie friends, and promises to meet up more in the future.
Prospect of going to see my friend T and her children and her new chickens tomorrow.
Texts from my caring mum and dad.
Loving, interesting, funny emails from my brother.
A live performance of Britten's piano concerto at a Prom concert this last week.

Things I am hoping for in the near future:
A good night's sleep.
A lottery win. Any kind of lottery, as long as the prize is good.

Beautiful capoeira