phew,..I think

Quick update: as I suspected our Down's Syndrome risk factor came back 'high' at 1:110. Not devastatingly high by any means so that was a relief. I was still leaning away from an amnio, but Adriano was starting to think it might be a good idea after all, to avoid 6 months of worry, or to get our heads around it a bit if the result was positive.

I consider us to be amazingly lucky because suddenly after that things seemed to fall into place to set our minds at ease. I had heard of the Fetal Medicine Centre in Harley Street through a fertility support group on t'internet. I contacted them and they were able to do a repeat scan/blood test that very afternoon due to a cancelled booking. I dragged myself into Central London (strange feeling as I've barely been out of the house for 6 weeks) and met Adriano there. We stumped up the £180 fee and felt so glad that we were able to produce that without too much heartache in spite of regularly feeling rather skint. Instead of waiting a week for the blood test results we waited about an hour. During that hour we had another, more detailed scan with incredible technology. Three extra things were looked at in addition to the NHS list. All came up as normal, and the bloodwork must have been pretty good too, because suddenly our risk fell to 1 in 2737. Wow.

The nuchal fold measurement had grown to 3mm, but then the baby had also grown quite a bit in the last 6 days too. However they don't like it to be above 2.5mm, so they reminded us that the elevated measurement could still point to heart problems and/or chromosomal abnormalities. So they recommended that the 20 week scan be with a cardiologist present. I don't know what we'll do about that, but we have a few weeks to decide. But at any rate we don't feel the need for an amnio any more, which I am glad about.

So we are much relieved. And even before they gave us the lower risk, I felt so much more bonded with this baby because the scan technology was so amazing and we got such a good long look at this little one. At one point he/she took a few big gulps of the amniotic fluid and then did a big hiccup, it was so sweet and lovely.

I am still very sick but hoping it can't be more than 3 more weeks.

They did tell us a 70% chance 'guess' which gender the baby will be, but I'll keep that to myself for now :):):)

By the way I am not all all knocking the NHS for not having as good technology, I think they're brilliant on the whole, and we are very lucky to have them.

When we got home we were quite excited and said to Little G 'Would you like a baby to come and live with us in the summer?' to which she immediately replied 'No I don't want a baby to come live with us in summer.' Ha ha ha. Too late now! (I hope) Not too worried as she also says she doesn't like pizza any more and then eats the lot.

Happy New Year?

Where to start?

Thank god for my husband and my mum, is something I am feeling very strongly right now. I am going through a horrible time physically, but it's for a good cause. A few days after I wrote that post where I wanted to become pregnant, we did actually manage it. At first I thought 'it won't hold', being the pessimist that I am, but here we are at 12 weeks and I am puking, and puking, and puking. It is just HORRIBLE. I hate the thought of all food but have to eat. Really it is misery. If it wasn't for Adriano and my mum I don't know what would be happening right now - G needs so much care and attention and I HATE that I'm not managing to give her much of it myself.

Last time the serious puking lasted until 16 weeks and then I found a bit of energy from somewhere and I finally stopped throwing up at about 24 weeks I think it was. Or maybe 28. This time it is not slowing down in the slightest yet, so I'm guessing it may do the same.

I feel guilty for feeling so negative about it, because I know many dear friends who are trying to get pregnant and who are probably cursing me for having managed it again. When I stop feeling so bloody awful I expect I will start to feel a bit more excited instead.

We had a scan a couple of days ago, and there is a baby in there which amazed me. I am absolutely sh1tting myself now about the Down's Syndrome test results. We had the triple test which factors in my age (37), the nuchal fold measurement from the back of the baby's neck (seen at the scan) which was 2.8mm - considerably higher than little G's measurement and not at all reassuring as the danger point seems to start officially from about 3mm, and finally the levels of certain hormones from the blood they took from me on the same day. I have a strong feeling we are going to get a 'high risk factor' result, and if that's the case I don't know how to handle it. It's keeping me awake for several hours a night and I can't stop thinking about it during the day. I know I would not choose a euphemistically named 'termination' (luckily Adriano thinks that too) but there are other things to consider such as whether or not to have an amnio. Maybe my customary 'glass half empty' approach will turn into a lovely surprise: a low risk result, but I really don't think so. I am very frightened.

In other news, G is 22 months now and she is so amazing (can you tell I'm her mother). My mum says she talks like a 3 year old (can you tell she's her grandmother). When they're 2 years old they're supposed to be putting 2 words together by then, e.g 'want milk', 'mummy go'.
An example outburst from G last week "Look at the Christmas tree Mummy, I put baubles on it, Daddy put it up high, fairy at top and star, it's so pretty!"..... Oh, she's such a delight I could go on all day about her.

Also, praise the lord she is sleeping better at the moment. She's had a run of sleeping for almost 11 hours straight every night, and it's been a long time coming so we are very happy about it. Long may it last. The last few days have been nap-free as it was getting harder to get her to sleep at those times. Having no break in the day is a bit of a nightmare for us but on the whole she is coping well. Doesn't seem to lengthen her night time sleep though.

I am too pathetic to do a list of stuff for 2010 like I usually do. Never mind. Happy New Year, all 3 of you. Hope it's a marvellous one.

Realise I haven't written on here for over a month!
I am still alive.
Will try to post some more photos soon.

I dare to ask

I don't know if it's my Catholic upbringing, but I do sometimes feel guilty if I want even just what a lot of others have, when there is so much 'not enough' in the world. That's terrible sentence construction but you know what I mean.

But if I am daring to ask, this is what I would like:

To become pregnant with another healthy baby, preferably without the 24-7 sickness.
To manage to give birth a bit more naturally the second time around. (I don't give myself a hard time about having a Caesarean birth last time, but it would be nice to improve upon the experience.)
To find a house as good as or better than the last one we viewed today, with enough rooms, plenty of natural light, lots of storage, a dishwasher, safe outside space, surrounding trees, neutral decor in decent condition, and good schools nearby (!). We must be able to afford the mortgage & other outgoings comfortably too.
To find a solution which enables easy cheap childcare with someone G (& sibling?) loves so I can still work up to 2 days per week. (At the moment my mum does it and it works really well but it cannot last for a few reasons.)
To snack on fruit/veg/oatcakes etc instead of chocolate/biscuits/cake, 95% of the time.
To tone up my stomach.
To sleep through the night whenever G does.
To make my own birthday cards again.
To write a song for G that makes her laugh.
To write and illustrate a story for G that makes her laugh.
To get through to Adriano how loved and appreciated he is by me, and by his friends and family.
To find storage solutions that can be sustained by all of us who live together in our little family! i.e. get rid of that sodding clutter.
To cook from scratch more until it becomes a more natural thing to do and I feel confident and happy to do it.
To respond to G's emerging 'independence' (strops) with calm and ingenuity and love and good grace, in a way that gives her what she needs and leaves me feeling like a good mum (and not a mug).
To become a more confident teacher at work; to be more imaginative in my planning and my handling of discipline; to have more fun through my work.
To learn basic gardening skills/sense so that I can grow a few bits and bobs for us to eat. Tomatoes would be a good start.
To get over my fear of killing/being killed in a car and finally learn to drive.
To practise yoga every day for at least 10 minutes.
To continue to make new friends and talk easily to strangers. I have got so much better at this since having G.

Single mum does the right thing with grace

I am so frustrated because I want to leave a comment and can't do it - no comment box appears - but .... how amazing is this lady aka Some Mothers Do Ave Em.