Today Adriano and I went to the hospital to talk about the results of my HSG.
The consultant said everything looked normal, I should ignore the pains I get (?!) and that maybe the blood test results I had back in April were a bit borderline on the progesterone. I TOLD THEM I THOUGHT MY PROGESTERONE WAS LOW OVER A YEAR AGO. Why do 'they' not listen? My mum had low progesterone and I suspected from my charting that sometimes I don't actually ovulate. All along I have raised this and been told that 'probably everything is fine', and I have been discouraged from drawing my own conclusions from my experience of my body. Now I'm being told I need more blood tests.
Still no mention of diet, stress levels, or anything which even remotely looks at getting pregnant as a holistic endeavour. Oh no. It just involves male and female reproductive plumbing and apparently nothing else. Except maybe some drugs. *Sigh*
Actually the hardest thing about it was that the gyn. department is in the same waiting room as the Early Pregnancy Unit. I was surrounded by pregnant women. Four people asked me if I was there for a scan. By the last time I almost shouted my reply: No, I'm not here for a scan; I'm not pregnant, in fact today is the first day of yet another period, so please, please unless you are going to give me some hope, just leave me alone.
The consultant mumbled, and although he meant well, I had to tell him several times before he registered that I was saying that today was Day 1 of my cycle. He didn't seem to believe me when I said that I'd had the Day 21 blood test on Day 24 deliberately because I have a long cycle. He then told me a few times that women like me with long cycles are likely to ovulate a week later sometimes. Like I didn't know. ARRRGGGHHHHHH.
He was a nice man really so it was a good job Adriano was there to stop me from getting too stroppy. In fact he said nice things such as "it's more 'when' you get pregnant rather than 'if'" - but it's so hard to believe that after so many many months of disappointment.
I feel as though I need my brain wiped of all the negativity that the infertility and depression have brought me. I am considering going to hypnotherapy for that very purpose.
In other news today I got a postcard from my friend Kirsty in Papua New Guinea. Kirsty if you're reading this I'm sending you a big hug!
I also wrote a proper letter to my sister's best friend whose little boy died recently. He would have been 6 years old next week.
I feel huge feelings of gratitude to Adriano lately for his support. PMT made me hell to live with on occasional days this past fortnight. He's always there, no matter what. I appreciate what he gives me. He gives so much, even though he has his own struggles too. In that, I am lucky.
PS No one cares about the endometriosis diagnosis now. I may have it, I may not, but as long as I'm not taking too much time off work with the pain, and as long as it's not the cause of my lack of pregnancy, then it doesn't matter for now. Fair enough, I guess.
PPS Today would have been my mum's mum's 106th birthday! I'm thinking of her today. Lilian Mabel was her name. The ninth of ten children. The story goes that her family remembered her birthday wrong - they thought it was Sept 28th until years later when the register office records proved it was the month before. Weird.
PPPS Yesterday my family visited: mum, dad, my brother, my sister, and my youngest niece. We all had tea and cake and biscuits and crudites and pizza and then went for a walk in the park. It was fantastic to see them.
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