Thursday, 1 May 2008

Back on the rollercoaster

A sudden hailstorm has just started. And now stopped already. I'm sitting, well sort of lying, on the bed writing this, with the laptop propped up by a CushTop (they're great).

I had IUI #2 this afternoon, following another round of 100mg Clomid last week. It went smoothly, and I'm now on the '2 week wait' again. Just after the actual procedure, I lay there and tried to think fertile thoughts. I breathed deeply and relaxed and closed my eyes, imagining the swimmers doing their thing. Then in my mind I fast-forwarded to about eight months' time and pictured myself looking radiant and big and feeling brave and happy about the baby's birth. I thought of Adriano and I talking about names, and joking and laughing about the possibilities.
After about half an hour I got up and left the hospital.

On the way home I passed the local Catholic church. I'm a lapsed Catholic and you could say I'm agnostic. Or a pagan. Or a humanist. Whatever, I don't believe in a LOT of what the Catholic church teaches and frankly I find it irritating most of the time.
The door to the church was open and I went in. The smell of stale incense was so familiar and... comforting. I found myself lighting a candle and kneeling down and, almost before I knew it, tears were rolling down my face. I let myself admit how desperate I feel to have a child with Adriano. I want to be a mum. I want to grow a baby and feel it moving inside me and give birth and feed my baby. I want to look at my child and speculate whether (s)he looks most like Adriano or me, or maybe one of our family members.

After that I went to vote next door at the polling station.

Back to school tomorrow.

1 comment:

Sarah said...

I'm sending intense fertility vibes your way. GOOD LUCK!!

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* proud new mother * last child * youngest daughter * tallest sister * favourite auntie * honest lover * furtive photographer * diary writer * compulsive dancer * tree hugger * mooncup promoter * chocolate taster * house plant murderer *

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