Sunday, 24 January 2010

Yet another stream of consciousness

Where does the weekend go? Can't believe it's Sunday night again.

The G update: now cruising round the furniture, and loves holding onto our hands and 'drunkenly' marching around the room. I'd say she's a couple of months from actual solo walking but definitely heading in the right direction and her growing independence is fun to witness.

The sleeping is slightly better - meaning 2-3 wakenings per night and occcasionally just one. I often sleep with her for the last part of the night as I mentioned in my last post. It helps me and she sometimes sleeps later so it'll do for now. Also Adriano has been giving me a night off once a week and it is sooo appreciated.

She has just about got her 5th and 6th tooth through now. Her smile is starting to look really different with all those teeth! Gone is the gummy baby grin.

Poor little mite has been having a really nasty snotty cold this past week, and since Tuesday night has adamantly refused any breastfeeding, presumeably because it's too hard to breathe. As she had been happy with a bottle of formula for her other 2 feeds of the day I eventually tried her with a bottle at bedtime and she lapped it up with no hesitation, no more crying, and no trouble breathing. I cried a bit at first, I felt so weird. I was too tired after work to 'pump and dump' to keep my supply going, and since then she's been determined not to even try breastfeeding even though I've offered it every day. I think there's a little bit of milk still there, but I suppose I'm realising my heart is not really in it. I just don't want to pump, I feel done with all that. I know breastmilk is super-amazingly-good for her. And I had thought I would give her that feed for months yet. But it seems I am not going to. I think I'm ok with that. And she certainly seems to be. Whether she suddenly wants it again after her cold improves I don't know but I'll cross that bridge when we come to it. A bit of me feels selfish. And another part of me feels like we're just moving on and it's fine. She and I are very close, it's really ok.

Adriano is applying for jobs again and we are fantasising (have I spelt that wrong, it looks wrong) about a life away from London. Mainly because we can have SUCH a better house almost anywhere else. Eg if our budget is about £200K then here we are looking at a 2 bed flat at best. But if we look at, say, Hastings, or Gloucester, we can have a much more spacious 3 or 4 bed house. And very possibly cleaner air too. There is a 3 bed house for sale in our road and it's on the market for way more than £300K. But, but, but.... Here we go again! We had just promised ourselves that we would stay around here because we are finally making local friends! But if we do go elsewhere it would be so much easier to make new friends as a mum. Before I had G we lived in this area for 5 years and I didn't make a single new friend except for work. I tried.

I hate cleaning and housework at the best of times but I'm struggling even more to keep on top of things it feels, now that G is so mobile and so curious. We have a lot of clutter, much to my utter repulsion (I have pmt, can you tell) so I can't just plonk her down in a room while I sort it out because she'll be eating all the stuff lying around - wires, 5p coins, receipts, fluff, dirty socks.... god it sounds like a student house HOW DEPRESSING.

I think what I need, as maybe every mother on the planet, is just a bit of dedicated guilt-free non-rushed time for 'self care' (you know, stuff like dying my roots and defuzzing my legs and oh for a bit of time to put on funky toenail polish). Then maybe I'd have the energy/inclination to find my sensuality and all that jazz. It's lost and it's bothering me but I'm so distracted I barely notice for days on end. Then someone will say something that jogs me and I feel wistful and horribly sad. But hopefully it'll be back one day, because right now I'm a bit too busy cutting my daughter's toenails (finally worked out to do it when she's in her highchair) and wiping squashed banana off the kitchen floor (oh look there's a rice cake from last week) and picking up my husband's clothes from the floor (my favourite auntie suggests nailing them to the floor but I want to tread slightly more carefully with my marriage). But also hearing my gorgeous amazing girl say 'Mama' and hearing her giggle when we play peekaboo, and feeling her head on my shoulder when she's tired, and seeing her point her chubby little finger at me when I come into the room.


Anonymous said...

love this long post! wishing you good things for you and your beautiful family, lucia. always!

- Inga

Lucia said...

Thanks Inga! You popped into my head last night - how are you? xxx

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* proud new mother * last child * youngest daughter * tallest sister * favourite auntie * honest lover * furtive photographer * diary writer * compulsive dancer * tree hugger * mooncup promoter * chocolate taster * house plant murderer *

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